Depressed - Don’t blame it on you.

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I first started having problems with depression when I became ill with kind of bad feelings which also caused me to suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for about 1 year.

The symptoms of depression began to become severe for long periods of time sometimes lasting more than 1 month. During higher periods I would feel just a lower level of darkness and anxiety. During severe periods I would typically feel extremely depressed for no apparent reason, a feeling of hopelessness and darkness within myself.

When I felt extremely depressed I could feel a continual pressure, so as to speak, in my head. I would also feel unable to face and deal with small life situations and general living requirements such as work and personal management. People who experience depression will understand what I mean.

Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

I would feel sad for long periods of time for no apparent reasons as previously I had not experienced this. I usually felt I have lost in the battle…I felt I was not a worthy guy to live on this earth. i felt like a no hope.. There were certain events in my past life experiences which would have influenced these feelings.

Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

It's the loneliest feeling in the world - to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say "what's the matter with him?" I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren't sure whether you're walking toward something, or if you're just walking away.

You start life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something. But I don't know what for. It's like everybody in the world want's something. Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not. You know how, when you turn off the TV or you come out of some concert, and everything just feels empty? Like you thought that would be what you wanted, and then it wasn't?

I am aware that many people experience all kinds of situations and negative and hurtful or abusive life experiences which can significantly impact their emotions when depression sets in causing an even greater problem.

I had treatment and psychologist counseling which helped however didn't really cure the problem.

I lived in much pain within caused by the depression and there didn't seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel in regards to any kind of freedom from the illness. In fact I began to forget what it was like before I became ill with the condition.

In the darkest hours I started to call out to God. You see God was calling me and showing me that I can’t live the way I was living and that I had to change and take him for real.

I did accept God; however I got caught up in my own mistakes, bad decisions and what I wanted…so my heart became hard.

I share this story of hope to anyone who wishes to seek the truth and be free and find meaning in their life again. A meaning that the world cannot fill. I know it cannot fill this place because I have done and tried many things for my own enjoyment and they did not fulfill me.

I encourage anyone who is suffering from depression and hopelessness in their lives to seek personal relationship…as I didn’t do in my life…

I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same... then we were all just a bunch of crazy kids looking for a wild time. But now, thing aren't the same. Each of us have gone our different ways. We change, people change, things just change, and we aren't those crazy kids looking for a wild time anymore. We're teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we're in need.

In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do. but…. I am recovering now. As I know I have to come out of it…I have to live more…I don’t really have to die…i have to overcome those feelings…i need to reconcile myself…i have to leave this gloom…have to enjoy life… unleash it……live it once again…